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#76 golfbear

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Posted 30 July 2008 - 04:31 AM

yes, it is. the hardwares of computer is upgrading so fast, I can't follow up with it. my computer's configuration is still in the mode 5 years ago.....................

#77 Ross Sethji

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Posted 30 July 2008 - 08:33 PM

Some 'Laws' that Scientists forgot to mention :


LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.



LAW OF TELEPHONE : When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.



LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.



LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.



BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.



LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!



LAW OF BIO MECHANICS : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Edited by Ross Sethji, 30 July 2008 - 08:35 PM.

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#78 Littlem129

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Posted 13 August 2008 - 07:25 AM

Circumcised


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school. :whistle:

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#79 Littlem129

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Posted 17 August 2008 - 09:56 AM

TWO SISTERS---ONE BLONDE, ONE BRUNETTE!!!


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in the next town, so that they can stop paying breeding fees and breed their own stock.
But they only have $600 to work with. So, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home.'


The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.00 no less. She agrees and pays him, then drives to the nearest telegraph office to tell her sister the good news.


She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck, and drive here so we can haul it home.'


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.


After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'.'
The operator looks at her and shakes his head. 'How is she ever goin' to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck, and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you only send her just the one word, 'comfortable'?'

So the brunette explains, 'My sister is a blonde. That word is big. She'll read it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull






Wish I could think so quickly. . . .

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting

across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#80 Littlem129

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Posted 26 August 2008 - 07:29 AM

Buying A Rod & Reel


A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it
was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies,' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#81 Ross Sethji

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Posted 09 September 2008 - 09:44 AM

Some Logical Thoughts and Statements



1.Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2.To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3.The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

4.Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

5.In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.

6.All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

7.Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear

8.Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

9.If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

10.You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

11. 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.

12.As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

13.He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

14.If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late.

15.Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

16.When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

17.If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.

18.Especially for Engineering Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

19.You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

20.The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

21.After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

22.If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

23.Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

24.Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

25.There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

26.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

27.Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

28.Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

29.When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

30.Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

31.Well done is better than well said .

32.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

33.Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.

34.Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.

35.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Edited by Ross Sethji, 09 September 2008 - 09:45 AM.

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#82 Wizho

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Posted 07 October 2008 - 07:17 PM

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the
American bank teller,

"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get
hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
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#83 richbuff

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Posted 15 October 2008 - 12:17 PM

More Official Forum funniness alert: http://forum.kaspers...m...st&p=780709

Alert! Kaspersky is not your therapist!

Automatic mode, Interactive mode, ....and Personally Interactive mode.

Alert! Shame spiral... Pull up! Pull Up!

Alert! Get over it!

Alert! Blood pressure and adrenaline warning! Take a deep breath and count to ten!

Alert! Don't worry, everything is going to work out the way its supposed to.

Alert! Challenge that irrational thought!

Alert! How do you feel about that?

This post may contain previously unpublished synthesis of published material that conveys ideas not attributable to the original sources.


#84 Littlem129

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Posted 04 November 2008 - 11:15 AM

Underware Dust

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we


should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of

your bu*t!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go


unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the


He*l is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my


underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Edited by Littlem129, 04 November 2008 - 11:16 AM.

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#85 Littlem129

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Posted 06 November 2008 - 10:33 AM

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out
of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the he*l are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#86 CharlesT

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Posted 22 November 2008 - 03:12 AM

:) jokes from all over the world ,, interesting :)

#87 Littlem129

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Posted 25 November 2008 - 10:47 AM

"Blind Cowboy" :)


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' :hi:




"Little Johnny" :lool:


Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes, said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

* * * * * * * * * * *

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#88 CharlesT

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Posted 05 December 2008 - 06:01 AM

Standing at the bus stop one Kyle says to another Justin ,Did anyone every tell you you got the face of a saint?
Justin says why no they haven't.
Kyle says well guess I'm the first to tell you then , you have the face of a saint,,,,,,, saint brenard that is :lool: :)
(dont worry i wont run out of jokes here i have.... got piles and piles of jokes JUST like that ,,,hahaahaahaahaaha) :P <<<<<<<<<(just joking ,ha)

#89 CharlesT

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Posted 10 December 2008 - 04:49 PM

Why did the rooster cross the road? Thats where he parked his coupe. :) :D :) :)

#90 CharlesT

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 06:53 PM

B) People never lie so much as after a hunt, :D during a war or before an election :yesno: -"Otto von Bismarck" :P