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#46 ultima weapon

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Posted 13 March 2008 - 09:16 AM


25 Reasons Why We Ought to Appreciate our Moms


1. They taught us to appreciate a job well done.
("If you two are going to kill each other, then do it outside. I just finished cleaning in here!")

2. They taught us religion.
("You'd better pray that comes out of the carpet!")

3. They taught us about time travel.
("If you don't straighten up, I'm gonna knock you into next week!")

4. They taught us logic.
("Because I said so, that's why!")

5. They taught us more logic.
("If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me!")

6. They taught of foresight.
("Make sure you wear clean underwear, in cause you're in an accident.")

7. They taught us irony.
("Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!)

8. They taught us about the science of osmosis.
("Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.")

9. They taught us about contorionism.
("Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck?")

10. They taught us stamina.
("You'll sit there until the brussel sprouts are gone!")

11. They taught us about the weather.
("This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it!")

12. They taught us about hypocrisy.
("If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!")

13. They taught us about the circle of life.
("I brought you into this world and I can take you out!")

14. They taught us about behavior modification.
("Stop acting like your father!")

15. They taught us about envy.
("There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!")

16. They taught us about anticipation.
("Just wait until we get home!")

17. They taught us about receiving.
("You are going to GET IT when we get home!")

18. They taught us about medical science.
("If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they will freeze like that!")

19. They taught us about ESP.
("Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?")

20. They taught us about humor.
("When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to me!")

21. They taught us about now to become an adult.
("If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up!")

22. They taught us about genetics.
("You're just like your mother!")

23. They taught us about our roots.
("Shut that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?")

24. They taught us wisdom.
("When you get my age, you'll understand.")

25. They taught us justice.
("One day, you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!")


FEMALE PRAYER
---------------

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, whose not a creep,
One whose handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend. Amen


Marine on a train

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am,may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."


The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Edited by ultima weapon, 13 March 2008 - 09:18 AM.

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#47 richbuff

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Posted 14 March 2008 - 06:18 AM

This guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says that the dog has to go, no dogs allowed. Guy says "But wait! This dog does tricks!" Bartender: "like what?" Guy: He talks! Bartender: no way. Guy: I ask him a question, and he answers: What is on the outside of a tree? Dog answers: Bark! Bartender: Get out of here! Guy: Wait, one more! How does sandpaper feel? Dog answers: Ruff! Bartender: Leave, or else! Guy: Wait! Who is the worlds greatest ballplayer? Dog answers: Ruth! The bartender signals to the bouncer, who picks up the guy and his dog and kicks them out, flying through the air in the general direction of the pavement. Just before their butts are about to hit the concrete, the dog turns its head to the guy and says "DiMaggio??"

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#48 ultima weapon

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Posted 16 March 2008 - 03:04 AM

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. I hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
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#49 ultima weapon

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Posted 18 March 2008 - 02:05 PM

Divorce Letter

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife

*********************************************************** ********************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
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#50 richbuff

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Posted 31 March 2008 - 07:56 AM

I think mine could use a check up: Computer fix

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#51 Littlem129

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Posted 02 April 2008 - 09:28 AM

MAN OF THE HOUSE



The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me
my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?



'The wife replied, 'The funeral director
would be my first guess.'.... :no:






HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that

there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,

who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said

that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door

and an officer would be along when available.



George said, 'Okay", hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police

again.



'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people

stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them

now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.



Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two

fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'

residence and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd

shot them!'



George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT -



Don't mess with old people. ;)

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#52 Littlem129

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Posted 10 April 2008 - 07:31 AM

Chicken Sandwiches



Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and
became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their
lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches
every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades,
until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you
like it anymore? "She said "I love it but I have to stop eating
it." "Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow
little feathers down there!" "Let me see'" he said. "Okay'" and
she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, '"That's right. You
are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop
eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there
too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for
her! She said " Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've
already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!! :(

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#53 richbuff

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Posted 16 April 2008 - 04:39 AM

Am I Normal?

Yes. How do I know? Because I hear screaming rock vocals and grunge metal guitar playing in my head when I read this post: http://forum.kaspers...m...st&p=608101

I want to see Just ReActivator in concert, their title track rocks!

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#54 Littlem129

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Posted 21 April 2008 - 08:12 AM

Never Argue with a Woman... ;)

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment.
"I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think. :yes:

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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WIN 7 SP1 3GB RAM
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#55 Sjoeii

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Posted 21 April 2008 - 08:44 AM

You are on a roll again Littlem
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#56 Littlem129

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Posted 26 April 2008 - 07:42 AM

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING! :yes:

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking
it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop
it as he's liable to break something, but the boy
continues. ' Johnny !' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.'
You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip
to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his
mom has left for the
store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in
the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery
gets the urge, a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes
When she's finished, she looks down and can't
believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the
toilet! She calls
her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes
the situation, but he
assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and
he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the
thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it
might be and POP! The
balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him,
the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30
years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'

You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!! ;)

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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MBAM (on demand only)


#57 Littlem129

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Posted 12 May 2008 - 07:22 AM

Small White Dot


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied.'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period? 'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.' :good:

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

KIS 15.0.1.415(B)
WIN 7 SP1 3GB RAM
DSL (finally!)
MBAM (on demand only)


#58 richbuff

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 01:53 PM

Official Forum funniness alert, thanks for the laughs saso and gaz666 and others: http://forum.kaspers...showtopic=69311

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#59 Littlem129

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Posted 25 May 2008 - 09:05 AM

Windows...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot. ;)




Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs...


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
Beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course child What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
Through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
Have t o declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
Which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" :lol: :unsure:



DUI - Tennessee Style... :lol:

Only a person in TENNESSEE could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true
story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Crossville, Tennessee after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.

' I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.' ;)

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

KIS 15.0.1.415(B)
WIN 7 SP1 3GB RAM
DSL (finally!)
MBAM (on demand only)


#60 Sjoeii

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Posted 25 May 2008 - 03:26 PM

hahah
You keep on goig Littlem
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