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#31 Littlem129

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 08:48 AM

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...
>
> (If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.)
>
>
> The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I
> told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well,
> the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
>
> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
> door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three
> times.
>
> Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
> another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with
> such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict
> with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine
> cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
>
> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
> 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
> with that one!
>
> Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
>
> When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
> three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared
> its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice
> more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. Now that is funny..... :)

Edited by Littlem129, 11 December 2007 - 08:50 AM.

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#32 Littlem129

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Posted 01 January 2008 - 10:48 AM

The Pooch :)

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#33 Littlem129

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Posted 19 January 2008 - 09:24 AM

"Digging"



An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down." :)

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#34 Sjoeii

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Posted 19 January 2008 - 10:10 AM

haha you are on a roll Littlem
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#35 Littlem129

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Posted 25 January 2008 - 09:08 AM

"Blond Joke"


A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blond.

The blond cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."


The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at
it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blond officer looked at the mirror,
then handed it back saying,


"Ok, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
:)


REDNECK FISHING...


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O.K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. :)

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#36 ultima weapon

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Posted 27 January 2008 - 02:19 PM

A Totally Rusty Computer!!! Check IT OUT!!!!

Posted Image
Posted Image
Posted Image



If your computer looks like the one above please do NOT post to this forum asking for help. Please make sure you can at least see your motherboard before posting questions regarding your PC issues.
Thank You,

Posted ImagePosted Image

#37 ultima weapon

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 08:05 AM

How Stupid Cops Can be?



A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called for support and a Senior Officer. Police quickly surrounded the car, and a Captain approached the driver to interrogate him.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, Captain. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too
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#38 Hill-Billy-Bob

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 07:57 AM

A humorous flash video about Microsoft Vista.

http://6ac8.easyurl.net

Yours truly,
Hill-Billy-Bob

#39 Sjoeii

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 08:52 AM

A humorous flash video about Microsoft Vista.

http://6ac8.easyurl.net

Yours truly,
Hill-Billy-Bob

Haha
Funny one
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#40 Littlem129

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 09:31 AM

Grandma In Court


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." :clapping:

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#41 ultima weapon

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Posted 19 February 2008 - 09:16 AM

Its all in the mind


A well-dressed man walked into a psychiatrist's office one day and announced "Doctor, I got troubles" Answered the psychiatrist,"Just lie down on the couch & tell me everything." " It's this way ," the patient expained ." I have a lovely family, We live in one of the lavish homes in New York, I own a yacht and a helicopter to fly me to a golf course, I have ten cars & two swimming pools, "Well wait a minute, that doesn't sound to me as though any troubles" . interrupted the doctor. The man explained & continued," I only make 1,000 dollars a week!" :)

Edited by ultima weapon, 19 February 2008 - 09:16 AM.

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#42 Jingtian

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Posted 23 February 2008 - 03:54 PM

Thank you very much for your jokes. It suddenly occurs to me that I am unable to tell even one joke.

#43 Littlem129

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Posted 24 February 2008 - 10:29 AM

The Helpful Eye Witness.........


A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out
a gun and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses
He turns around and asks the next customer in line:

Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES!
The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...
SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man ...
DID ... YOU ... SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds .. No ... BUT MY WIFE DID!!!!!! :)


"Get Your Affairs In Order"


A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination,
sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best
put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk
into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well
daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were
drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The
friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bit**es sleeping with
your father after I'm gone."


That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order". :) :)

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#44 Littlem129

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Posted 28 February 2008 - 07:57 AM

Bubba's New Truck




One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup truck.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you get that truck? Asked Jimmy Joe!

"Bobby Sue gave it to me " Bubba replied.

She gave it to you?

I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on Country Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.

Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.

She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

"Bubba, take whatever you want."

So I took the truck!

Bubba, you're a smart man!

Them clothes woulda never fit you anyway! :)

Edited by Littlem129, 28 February 2008 - 08:00 AM.

You only live once, enjoy life and make the most of it!

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#45 richbuff

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Posted 03 March 2008 - 07:56 AM

Official Forum funniness Alert! Before you get to the sixth post of this thread, please place soft cushiony stuff on the floor so you don't bruise yourself while you're rolling on it. Read the first posts in order, don't jump to the sixth one first, or else the context will be lost; and after all, timing and context are very important in Humor. In this case, the context is real, was not made in humor, "just is", but not intended to be a humorous "just is". Bernhard skilfully lifts the subject from mundane "just is-ness" and even more so, from a sense of 'Why is this "is"?' and rapidly transforms it into something very funny. See: http://forum.kaspers...showtopic=62177

This post may contain previously unpublished synthesis of published material that conveys ideas not attributable to the original sources.