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#1 TiGeR

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Posted 02 July 2007 - 06:24 PM

So, here I start:

"Every good event has its shady sides - said John, paying for his mother-in-law funeral"

#2 Lucian Bara

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Posted 02 July 2007 - 06:40 PM

if we're still in the morbid section.
"You father has a new job. He has over 1000 people under him. He's mowing the lawn in the cemetery".
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#3 Baz^^

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Posted 02 July 2007 - 11:51 PM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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#4 Sjoeii

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Posted 03 July 2007 - 12:02 AM

Paul and Anna are sitting in their car in front of a traffic light.
"It's green" says Paul
: a frog" says Anna


You are on a roll guys :D
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#5 Baz^^

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Posted 03 July 2007 - 12:54 PM

Tech Support

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
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#6 norwegian

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Posted 03 July 2007 - 02:13 PM

Here's one for Don

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#7 Sjoeii

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Posted 03 July 2007 - 02:15 PM

Here's one for Don
This is another funny, simply because it's true.
>> >On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his
>> >afternoon program on ABC radio.
>> >
>> >In March 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a
>>bill
>> >for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
>> >
>> >He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
>> >threw that one away too.
>> >
>> >The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
>> >that
>> >they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
>> >return mail.
>> >
>> >He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
>>and
>> >they would take care of it.
>> >
>> >The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
>> >the
>> >troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
>> >would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
>> >
>> >However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
>> >
>> >He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
>>again
>> >and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill
>> >for
>> >$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
>> >
>> >Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill
>> >was
>> >yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be
>>as
>> >good as their word and sort the problem out.
>> >
>> >The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
>> >had
>> >10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
>> >recover the debt.
>> >
>> >Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their
>>own
>> >game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed
>>his
>> >account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
>> >company nothing at all.
>> >
>> >A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
>> >Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
>> >writing cheque for $0.00.
>> >
>> >After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
>>cheque
>> >had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
>> >therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
>> >customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer
>>to
>> >crash.
>> >
>> >The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
>> >claiming
>> >that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 ~ and
>> >unless
>> >he
>> >sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover
>> >the
>> > debt.
>> >
>> >At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
>>the
>> >gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at
>>the
>> >local courthouse that he was not joking.
>> >
>> >They subsequently helped hm in the drafting of statements which were
>> >considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he
>>had
>> >been forced to endure during this debacle.
>> >
>> >The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
>> >outcome
>> >was this:
>> >
>> >The gas company was ordered to:
>> >
>> >[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show
>>Cause,
>> >within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
>> >for
>> > consideration under Company Law.
>> >
>> >[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
>> >
>> >
>> >[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
>> >
>> >whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
>>processed.
>> >
>> >[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
>> >
>> >[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
>> >March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
>> >caused
>> >their client to suffer.
>> >
>> >And all this over $0.00.

Haha
Nice one
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#8 norwegian

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Posted 03 July 2007 - 02:19 PM

Not sure why they ended up in the same post ??????????


This is another funny, simply because it's true.


>> >On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his
>> >afternoon program on ABC radio.
>> >
>> >In March 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a
>>bill
>> >for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
>> >
>> >He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
>> >threw that one away too.
>> >
>> >The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
>> >that
>> >they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
>> >return mail.
>> >
>> >He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
>>and
>> >they would take care of it.
>> >
>> >The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
>> >the
>> >troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
>> >would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
>> >
>> >However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
>> >
>> >He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
>>again
>> >and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill
>> >for
>> >$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
>> >
>> >Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill
>> >was
>> >yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be
>>as
>> >good as their word and sort the problem out.
>> >
>> >The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
>> >had
>> >10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
>> >recover the debt.
>> >
>> >Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their
>>own
>> >game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed
>>his
>> >account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
>> >company nothing at all.
>> >
>> >A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
>> >Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
>> >writing cheque for $0.00.
>> >
>> >After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
>>cheque
>> >had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
>> >therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
>> >customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer
>>to
>> >crash.
>> >
>> >The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
>> >claiming
>> >that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 ~ and
>> >unless
>> >he
>> >sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover
>> >the
>> > debt.
>> >
>> >At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
>>the
>> >gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at
>>the
>> >local courthouse that he was not joking.
>> >
>> >They subsequently helped hm in the drafting of statements which were
>> >considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he
>>had
>> >been forced to endure during this debacle.
>> >
>> >The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
>> >outcome
>> >was this:
>> >
>> >The gas company was ordered to:
>> >
>> >[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show
>>Cause,
>> >within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
>> >for
>> > consideration under Company Law.
>> >
>> >[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
>> >
>> >
>> >[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
>> >
>> >whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
>>processed.
>> >
>> >[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
>> >
>> >[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
>> >March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
>> >caused
>> >their client to suffer.
>> >
>> >And all this over $0.00.

#9 Jingtian

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Posted 03 July 2007 - 02:23 PM

Oh, funny indeed. But I have to be careful next time browing such topics in the office. :help:

#10 Littlem129

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Posted 04 July 2007 - 08:41 AM

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."



When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.


About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge
mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."



Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... .there'll be Hell to pay later! :vava:

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#11 Jingtian

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Posted 09 July 2007 - 07:42 AM

Thanks for such funny jokes. I can share them with my colleagues. Let me ask a question, do you often forward jokes to or receive jokes from your collegues? I mean using the company Email accounts, if you are working.

#12 Sjoeii

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Posted 09 July 2007 - 07:57 AM

Thanks for such funny jokes. I can share them with my colleagues. Let me ask a question, do you often forward jokes to or receive jokes from your collegues? I mean using the company Email accounts, if you are working.

I do yeah
We e-mail funny jokes and video's
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#13 TiGeR

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Posted 09 July 2007 - 01:42 PM

We use ICQ, almost everyone has ICQ installed.
During the day, we exchange some funny stuff a couple of times. It helps to kill the stress ^_^

By the way, concerning the stress extermination, I just read today, that Shon Konnery (James Bond) has a boxing bag in his office and he releases his stress by punching it :) I want to go to boxing gym now after I read this :)

#14 Lucian Bara

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Posted 09 July 2007 - 01:59 PM

That would be "Sean Connery" (Sir. Sean Connery).
you don't need to box in a gym, just use something for a punching bag or buy one. preferably not the wall, i can tell you from personal experience
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#15 TiGeR

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Posted 09 July 2007 - 02:08 PM

just use something for a punching bag

Good idea! I will go ask my colleagues, responsible for the latest bug with updater if they want to be my punching bag haha